This is none of your business.

my year in review, inspired by ericaaaaa

Thu, 03 Jan 2008 07:05:33 GMT

Friends and Family: Coworkers from second job became my second family.

School and/or Work: Tried to advance my career, but quietly failed.

Love and Sex: Infrequent, almost regrettable, & somewhat forgettable sexual encounters. Sigh.

Fun and Hobbies: Experimentation & inebriation. Travel: Arkansas & Pennsylvania. Hosted several visitors.

Health: One too many hangovers. Other than that, peachy!

Etc: Consumating has been the best experience by far.

things i'm thankful NOT to have, inspired by mupaully

Sun, 25 Nov 2007 20:49:47 GMT

I'm thankful I don't have...

...a desire to go shopping (because the crowds are ugly).
...a significant other (because I'm poor and selfish).
...needless drama (because that shit is lame).
...a boner (because that'd be embarrassing).
...a life plan (because spontaneity is fun).
...jury duty (self-explanatory).

evidence that i am an idiot, inspired by rink

Tue, 28 Aug 2007 16:14:57 GMT

Expired car insurance + Expired Driver's License + Me Driving Anyway + Backing out of a parking stall into the front bumper of the person behind me because I didn't look over my shoulder, THEN giving the other driver only my business card, instead of the required personal information: driver's license number, insurance policy number... because a) I was in complete shock, b) I was paranoid that the other driver would notice my expired license and report me to the cops, and c) because I obviously don't know the freakin LAW like I should = COMPLETE AND UTTER IDIOCY.

[ She told me she's filing a police report as "hit and run". I find this unreasonable considering the fact that I immediately (and idiotically) signed a statement of fault right in front of her and offered to pay out of pocket for the (minimal) damages. I understand it's hard for strangers to trust each other, especially when so many assholes take advantage of people and could care less about the consequences of their actions. I, on the other hand, am not an asshole and wish there was some way I could prove that to her before she completely demolishes my personal record. I know I was stupid for driving without the necessary legal documents, and that is my lesson learned, but to presume that I would evade my responsibilities (as is implied by the term "hit and run") is a tad extreme. ]

cleaning song, inspired by makelikepaper

Wed, 22 Aug 2007 01:24:49 GMT

Yesterday,
All my messes seemed so far away,
Now it looks as though they're here to stay,
Oh, laundry's got the best of me.

Suddenly,
I'm not half the maid I used to be,
There's a pile of dishes under me,
Oh, yesterday they were so clean.

Why these
Chores won't go I don't know, they take too long.
My bed
sheets are on wrong, now I long for a futon.

Yesterday,
Clean was such an easy word to say,
Now I need a place to hide away,
Oh, I believe in the hippie way.

Oh, I must clean this mess I've made....

people are dumb, inspired by johnny squared

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 04:41:04 GMT

customer: (walks into office) "Someone called me & said I won a car."
me: "Hmm. That's odd. We don't give away cars here."
customer: "Well, someone called. They said I won a car."
me:"Hmm. Did you get that person's name?"
customer: "No."
me: "Hmm. I see. Did that person say anything other than you 'won a car'?"
customer: "They just said they were from [insert mall name] and that I won a car."
me: "Hmm. Ok. Did they tell you to come here and pick up your car?"
customer: "No. They said I won a car. I forgot to get a name."
me: "Hmm. Right. Did you get any information from the caller?"
customer: "No. But they called like 8 times."
me: "Hmm. (thoughtful pause) Exactly how can I help you?"
customer: "Well, someone called me and said I won a car........"

about my best friend, inspired by .libi.

Mon, 30 Jul 2007 04:13:41 GMT

my best friend is also my ex.
we are like peas & carrots. except i don't really like peas.
i like him because he makes me laugh.
he doesn't tolerate my bullshit like everyone else does.
he's not afraid of bruising my ego when i need a real dose of honesty.
he's helped me become more of a grown up than either of my parents,
but has also let me teach him a few things about life in the process.
we have pretty much the same taste in movies, music, and women.
we can have intelligent debates on life, religion, politics, breakfast cereal, or sex toys.
we can spend a whole day doing absolutely nothing and be completely satisfied.
we travel well together and we always have something to talk about.
he isn't cocky, but he isn't insecure either.
he is a great dancer.
he's amazing in bed.
he's great with cars.
he's really good at designing and conceptualizing things.
some day he's going to make a great dad.
he's currently attending bartending school.
he never went to college but bought his first house at the age of 20.
he's responsible with his finances.
but still manages to make outrageous spontaneous purchases when he really wants something.
he has bad teeth but a killer smile.
he sets himself apart without trying too hard.
he's pleasantly inquisitive and picks new skills up fast.
he's worked really hard to raise his standard of living (from that of his parents').
he is sometimes unnecessarily judgemental, but is also one of the most generous people i know.
he loves animals and is the current caregiver to my former cat, bizzy.
he drives fast. he is a fantastic tickler.
he's got gorgeous hazel eyes but gets slightly cross-eyed when he's tired.
he shaves his head because he's going bald and it's the only thing he's really self-concious about.
he's the only person i could talk about for hours upon hours upon hours upon days.
he's the very first person i ever had sex with.
he can't carry a tune but loves to sing.
he is goofy but not nerdy.
he's smart but not pretentious.
he's thin but not weak.
he loves to laugh.
i can usually always make him laugh and that makes me feel good.
i love him probably more than any other person on this earth.
i miss him a lot, but i'm glad he's finally starting to experience life on his own, as am i.
we can have full conversations in movie quotes.
he can also cook, clean, and tie his own shoes
:]

spirit story, inspired by xenu.

Sat, 23 Jun 2007 22:46:36 GMT

my mom has 2 sisters and 1 brother. the four of them used to sit around on bored summer afternoons playing with their ouija board. i don't think any of them took it seriously, except maybe my eccentric Aunt Rosie who became somewhat of a nutcase. Anyway, I'm bad at telling stories (tangents!)... Ok, seriously, they were playing with the board one day, asking questions of no intellectual value, and treated it more like one of those not-so-magic 8-balls. On this particular day, my mom's friend had come over to join the "game" and thought of a question to ask the (board)spirits.

"Hey guys, let's ask it who each of us is going to marry!!"

So they did. First to ask was my mom. The ouija piece moved neither slowly nor quickly to the letter L. Next up, my Uncle Danny. The piece scooted toward the letter I. Then, my mom's friend took a turn. The piece traveled down to the letter V. Next, my Aunt Sally. The piece searched around & eventually settled on the letter E. Finally, Aunt Rosie. The piece deliberately slid to the letter D.

Years later, after that day was long forgotten, my family had a holiday gathering. As some jibber jabber occurred around the dinner table, they began recalling the silly times with the ouija board. My Aunt Rosie asked my mom if she remembered the day they asked the marriage question. They rolled their eyes & laughed at the shared memory.

They started remembering the details of the predictions the ouija had made.

My mom, had gotten married earlier that year. My dad's name is Leonard.

My Uncle Danny. Well, he was (and still is) a chronic bachelor, and had never married. They insensitively joked that the ouija should have spelled out "alcoholic" instead. He reminded them that he had in fact been engaged, to a girl named Irene.

My mom's friend, who was not at this family gathering, was brought up in the conversation. She had since married a man much older than her right out of high school. His name was Vinnie.

My Aunt Sally had been the first to marry out of all the siblings, to a shy candy-shop owner named Eduardo.

Finally, my Aunt Rosie, awkwardly reminded that her first husband, who turned out to be a first-class asshole & a womanizer, was named Donald.

Hmm. Funny coincidence? Probably. They sat & talked for hours, about the ouija games, marriages, other family news, etc. It wasn't until later that night, when my mom was clearing the table, when she noticed a piece of paper where my Aunt Rosie had been sitting, doodling as they had chatted. The paper was scribbled with various images & nonsense shapes. But on the side, written very faintly but noticeable still, were the letters of the ouija predictions, L. I. V. E. D.

however, they were written backwards.

radio presents, inspired by ovariescanbefun.

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 17:08:08 GMT

For the radio geek in me!

1) KNGY "Energy" 92.7 FM [I'm employed by this "dance" station!]
2) KYLD "WiLD" 94.9 FM [Keeping tabs on the competition!]
3) KBWF "The Wolf" 95.7 FM [I'm a little bit country....]
4) KOIT "Lite Rock, Less Talk" 96.5 FM [I love me some love songs....]
5) KLLC "Alice" 97.3 FM [Where I started my radio career....]
6) KISQ "Kiss" 98.1 FM [Keeps me feeling old school....]
7) KMVQ "Movin" 99.7 FM [The cool 'new kid' in town....]
8) KIOI "Star" 101.3 FM [Songs I can sing along with....]
9) KFOG "World Class Rock" 104.5 FM [Because I'm classy like that....]
10) KITS "LIVE" 105.3 FM [The one and only place for modern rock....]
11) KMEL "The People's Station" 106.1 FM [Home of Hip Hop....]
12) KEZR "Mix" 106.5 FM [Sometimes I like to mix it up....]

my response when very recently asked "why" i consider myself a minority....

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 06:03:12 GMT

well, i don't know many other omnisexual unmarried childless liberal latina pseudo-hippies who legally make over 30k a year. do you?

things I have a hard time believing about myself, inspired by ozreiuosn.

Fri, 08 Jun 2007 05:53:01 GMT

That I'm a smoker.

That I've been single for almost 2 years.

That I haven't done laundry in..... damn it's been so long I forgot how long it's actually been. That's pretty bad.

That I'm not married with kids yet like the rest of my high school friends.

That I can suck down three or four brewskis and not feel a thing. That's bad by the way.

That I am actually going to be free of ginormous financial struggles soon.

That my sex drive is as crazy as it has been lately.

That I haven't dated a girl yet.

That I've gone pretty much nowhere with my career considering what I've given up for it.

That my ex has my cat and gets along with it better than I did.

That I'm a minority.

That I've STILL never seen Pulp Fiction or any of the Star Wars movies.

That I moved all the way to San Francisco and my closest local friends are people I went to high school with & didn't even really hang out with/know.

That the first time I tried sushi, I hated it & almost spit it out! (BLASPHEMY!)

That I love country music.

That all the praying I did in junior high for big bewbs actually paid off.

That my vagina is so pretty.

That I'm almost a quarter of a century old and feel younger than I did when I was sixteen.

That I've never danced on a bar/table/other things not originally intended for dancing on.

That I don't own two turntables, but I do own a microphone.

That I'm even remotely what some guys/people would consider cute/sexy.

That I have a penis. No wait, I was thinking of someone else.

That I was bitten by a fucking snake. What the shit man....

That I don't own the movie Dirty Dancing!! (OMFG)

That hummus and crackers is my favorite snack.

That I don't know the words to any Billy Idol songs.

That I am comfortable with nsa sex.

That I've actually lost weight this year. Not really trying.

That my initials are MMM.... too damn perfect.

That I've had my guitar for like 5 years & STILL don't know how to play.... well.

That I actually know how to flirt with women.

That women actually flirt with me.

That I don't speak spanish fluently.

That my favorite thing to drink is water.

That I've kept my AOL account for over 8 years.

That I attended 4 NSYNC concerts in the same year (two of which were in a 2-day period) eeeeeek!

That I still know how to tap dance.

That I've never experimented with food during sexytime. Unless you count ice; I don't.

That none of my "private home videos" haven't been leaked on the internets.

That I used to masturbate to pictures of Dolly Parton, when I was like 8.

That I don't manage my money better.

That people think I'm funny.

That I think I'm funny. (yeah not too proud of that either)

That I've never ever once farted. (haha had you there for a second didn't I? No, well, ok) :[

That I share my birthday with crackheads like Whitney Houston.

That three awesome people are coming to visit me this summer at seperate times. I'm starting to think I should open up my own hostel & make them pay me in either sexual favors or cigarettes.

That three years ago at this time I was considering moving back to SoCal to get married & have kidz.

That I had my first consumakeoutz with a Combustible Monkey. EEEE!

That it's already 10:30 and I'm considering going back out to partake in some karaoke deliciousness.

That anyone is still reading any of this.

That I'm not as depressed as I was 6 months ago.

That my skin is so soft or that it smells as good as it does.

That I don't judge people more harshly than I could.

That a luxury SUV is named after me, somewhat.

That I've never woken up next to someone I don't know.

That people would actually buy my music.

That I'm still thinking of things I cannot believe about myself.

That Consumating has helped me meet so many amazing & wonderful people that do not suck! :]

Mon, 04 Jun 2007 06:24:21 GMT

One year ago today I was lying in a hospital bed (intensive care unit), pumped full of morphine and antivenom. I'd been bitten by an adult rattlesnake, in the ankle, near the Feather River (somewhere on the way to Sacramento, I think).

My best friend and ex-mate of 6+ years was with me when it happened. The immediate effects were intense. ~~I've never done hard drugs, but~~ I imagine if snake venom wasn't extremely fatal, it'd be the most common way to get high. First my leg, then my lower half, then my entire body, right down to my fingertips and even my nostrils, fell victim to a somewhat paralyzing tingling feeling.

My family was in LA, my friends were in SF, but the first people I called (within minutes) were my grandparents (my nana is one of those people that seems to know everything & can supply the most obscure remedies & protocol for life's little --or big-- surprises). The second call was to my best friend Jason (he was an eagle scout -- 'nuff said).

Due to shock, physical & probably psychological too, my face muscles became paralyzed as well. It was really weird. I couldn't move my mouth to talk, but the paramedics were good at interpreting my mumbles. I had trouble controlling my breathing, and by the time the ambulance arrived at the hospital, I experienced excrutiatingly painful leg & foot cramps. Every five minutes or so, I'd close my eyes hoping the spasms would wash away quickly, but they didn't.

Luckily, let me repeat, luckily, I was wearing very sexy/flattering underwear that day. Because the male nurse that had to strip off my clothes and prepare me for my first blood tests was oh-so-gorgeous. It's funny that I actually had time to think about that in all of the chaos. I even remember him saying "you look a lot like my girlfriend".... I should have asked for his number, dammit!

The hospital had never admitted a snake-bite case before, so all the nurses & doctors came in to observe. It was, creepy. This was a small town (Yuba City), so I forgave them for gawking.

Early reports said I had been bitten twice. But honestly, I have no freaking clue if that is true!

All I can remember is enjoying a nice summer day near a river, exploring nature (perhaps a little too much), and walking back to the car when I suddenly felt a prick (no, not that kind). I kind of yelped because it happened so quickly & hurt like a motherfucker. When I looked down at my cankle, I saw a small stream of blood, said something like "oh my god", and looked back at Justin in horror & disbelief.

The snake exited quickly, but I realized much later that it probably only acted in self-defense. How do I know this? Well, we had been walking on a gravel path, and quite quickly because we were leaving for the day, about 15 or 20 steps from the car, and my conclusion is that I accidentally stepped on it. Justin saw it briefly, but I never even caught a glimpse! By the time I even realized what happened, it had speedily slithered away. Probably to go talk up his friends/family about how some asshole stepped on him.

As for visitors, my grandparents ended up driving up 500+ miles to be with me the first few days in the hospital. My brother and his girlfriend also stopped by (and by the way, it's their fault I got into this whole mess, but I don't really feeling like explaining that at the moment, but perhaps a follow-up blog will happen... next year or something!)

Justin actually slept on a chair in my hospital room the first few nights. He also got extremely bored, being that I was so drugged up all I really did was sleep & (hardly) eat. He got so bored that one day he went to Walgreen's and bought some crayons, construction paper, and made me a get well card. I still have it (and the other cards I got from friends/family/work) hanging on my closet door.

After he left, I regained some of my strength and became pretty bored in that hospital room. I think one day I even broke down & cried... no, more like sobbed, purely out of loneliness. It finally sunk in that all of this had taken place.

So, I did the only thing I could do, I took advantage of game show network and old episodes of Roseanne & The Golden Girls, tried to gulp down the food, and mentally cursed the nurses that had to wake me every hour while I tried to sleep to take blood & check my vitals. I felt like the back of a computer with all the plugs & stickers I had in on & around me.

At the end of 8 long days, my parents drove up 500+ miles to pick me up and take me back to San Francisco. I missed one month of work, couldn't walk (or drive) for a few weeks, and the only shoes that fit my gargantuan foot were those god-awful things known as Crocs. My friends never let me live that down.

The medical bills totaled over $118,000. The anti-venom alone was $900 per vile. I learned later that an average bite requires up to 8, more serious cases up to 16, and extreme cases.... well.... that would be me. I was given 22 viles altogether. Good thing I have insurance. My co-pay still ended up being over $2,000. A small price to pay? Yeah, right.

The sad part of the story is, despite the fact that my foot leg & ankle swelled to disgusting proportions, or the fact that I had to sleep in a hot noisy hospital for more than a week, or the fact that I am known around work as "the girl who wrested a rattlesnake", or the fact that I am still paying the hospital bills, I DON'T HAVE ONE SINGLE DAMN SCAR OR BATTLE WOUND TO SHOW FOR IT! =[

But hey, I'm alive, and that's pretty cool, I guess.

(note: my friends & I later lovingly nicknamed the snake "Wilbur".... so if you're out there... sorry Wilbur!.... because, you know, snakes read blogs too, sometimes.)